"Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it becoming your food. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
Racing me to the bottom of the garden is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Remember, dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessarily to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door.
NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS
1) They live here, you don't.
2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur-niture'.
3) I like my pets better than I like most people.
4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons and daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1) Eat less.
2) Don't ask for money all the time.
3) Are easier to train.
4) Normally come when called.
5) Never ask to drive the car.
6) Don't hang out with drug-using people.
7) Don't smoke or drink.
8) Don't want to wear your clothes.
9) Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
10) Don't need a gazillion dollars for college and........
11) If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!"