GREETINGS FROM SOUTH AFRICA!!!
Looking into the future is more difficult than you think!
The daily battle with getting Max to eat continues.
Every morning, I think...”How much longer?”
I must stress that this is my personal perspective and I accept that Maxdog's might be totally different. But as I look at him sleeping (peacefully and pain free) for most of the day, having refused my food offerings, I am alone in my doubtful thoughts.
This is my dog who has evolved from a vital, vibrant, energetic and communicative dog to a dog who is content to sleep away the hours.
His eyelids seem constantly heavy and the questions in my mind about his longevity seem to whittle away at my understanding of his condition. It’s the mornings which expose his stark reality.
One thing I have learnt over the past three months of living with Max is NEVER to write him off! The times where I have felt that it is impossible for him to continue for much longer, he turns around and proves me wrong! If I go back into my personal diaries and read my writings in February, then I realise that I felt exactly the same then – ie “Not much longer!’ Yet he has proved me wrong time and time again.
The transformation from his lethargic demeanour takes place from around 3pm. As the sun starts descending to the horizon, Maxdog comes to life. It’s a slow transition, but steady and firm. By 5pm, I have no option but to accede to his (and Tammy’s) demands, to pick up the leads and to exit the property with two excited Goldens who have their tails held high.
Before we go on our routed walk, I let them loose to run down the cul-de-sac towards the green belt – their favourite part. They wait until I say “Free” and then they fly. To watch Max participate in this jaunt again leads me to question myself, “Where is this energy coming from? That tumour is huge, yet he doesn’t look sick now! He should be dead, yet he acts like a puppy!” It is totally unfathomable.
(Max - last weekend)
As the 20 minute walk progresses, I can see that he is tiring. Usually on our return, he is begging, once again, to be let off for another run and I usually acquiesce. The noticeable difference at this point is that once he has been disconnected from the lead, he changes his mind, preferring to remain by my side to walk whilst Tammy disappears to bark and scout the perimeters.
Once home, Maxdog changes back into a very sleepy and lethargic dog and my concerns return.
Max’s appetite eventually becomes workable around 8pm after refusing any food/treats during the day. He has also taken to refusing food from me personally. Instead, the offerings of my husband are greatly appreciated. After another worrying day, we are usually able to go to sleep knowing that Max has indeed eaten something, perhaps not sufficient, but at least he has sustenance.
The departure to the Rainbow Bridge of some of our canine companions in cyberspace has given me unexpected privy to the future for my Maxdog and I am deeply saddened. It’s been immensely strengthening however to have shared their journey and I can’t stress enough – A real privilege! My hope is that by sharing my own reality, it might serve to strengthen others in the same way. But to experience the pain of loss in a premature, prolonged fashion, as I am experiencing with Max, is not something I’d wish on anyone! It is heart wrenching, heartbreaking and saps every ounce of my energy.
I am sorry that I’ve been unable to get to your blogs...sometimes I simply can’t. My heart is not in the right place. But I am very grateful that my friends who have remained with me on this journey with Maxdog. He is a real fighter and I should not judge him by my standards.
Thank you so much for being with me on this journey!
59 comments:
Oh Caryl, I know this journey you are on is filled with so many things. I have to admit it brings back those pangs that I have felt each and every time I have taken it with one of our Goldens, and those feelings are the same ones I am feeling now with Maguire. And just as you have, I have found my strength from those who I have never met but have prayed for us to have peace, strength and comfort. I pray for you and your entire family, 2 and four legged to have that as well. Your heart IS in the right place, it is with Maxdog and not letting any of those precious moments slip away from you!! Lots of love and prayers coming from Virginia!
While we have experienced the loss of a pawfuriend we cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. This blog is such a tribute of the bad, good, great times you are sharing with your treasured pets.
Snuggles for MaxDog!
Cuddles for MaxMom!
Belly scratches for Tammy!
And some sort of ego boost for dear King Toffee!
Koda and Kate
No need to visit blogs. We understand that your attention and focus is - and should be - elsewhere.
Having been through both very long declines as well as very short, I don't really know which is easier (or should I really say, less difficult). To me, as long as their time where our canine friend is happy, content and having fun - as Max is with his walks for sure - you simply have to just enjoy the moment. I remember that Nikita's walks began to be measured in yards (down the driveway and in front of the house and back on a few days). But she still thrilled in going on them.
Continued best wishes and thoughts.
Oh Max! You are still enjoying the sunshine, but it sounds like you are getting tired. Our thoughts are with you as always.
Slobbers,
Mango
It is truly amazing how they can "enjoy the moment" isn't it! OC, too, spends a great deal of time sleeping. She doesn't need to eat nearly as much because of it, I think, and maybe that is what is going on with Max. She, too, seems to waken when it is time to go out and is all bright eyed, but she tires so easily, now.
I can pray for you and Max, and the rest of your family because I know some of what is going through your heart and head. Because of you and your healing words, I am taking one day at a time and enjoying the time I've got with my precious OC. Thank you for this gift! Linda
It would be pretentious of us to say that we know what you're going through, because we cannot imagine the heartache. Taking each day as it comes, trying to gauge what is best for MaxDog, finding the strength to cope with it all. So much to deal with. One thing is very clear to us, though: He is loved as every single one of us would wish to be loved, and his moments are peaceful and joyous. And so we send our woofs, and purrs and hugs to you all.
I completely understand your feelings. Having gone through two years of an illness with Dakota, it is very hard to know the end is coming and yet watch them trying to continue to live. The last few months of watching and waiting were very difficult for me. It is always hard to lose a beloved but I often think it is easier if it happens more suddenly.
Hugs, the OP Pack Mom
Know that I am praying for you. I am on this same journey with my Macy dog. Yesterday was a particularly tough day....I thought we were at the end, but GOD gave us a little more time.
Hugs, love, and lots of prayers,
andrea
PS: Sitka has an award for Maxx at All Gods Creatures...b/c Maxx certainly brings sunshine into our lives.
Caryl,
We're here with you and Max and you've never been far from our heart and mind as we've ached for our other furry friends who just left us.
No need to visit. We know how overwhelmng watching your heart dog deal with his illness must be.
Wirey love,
Jake and Just Harry -- Joan
Hi Caryl - I know the journey you're on with Max right now is so difficult - I'm on a similar path with Apples (and went through it with Keelee 2 years ago). Sunday night, I thought it was time for my Apples - Monday morning, her eyes were shining, I helped her downstairs, she ate and we went for a walk... God granted us another day...
It's so difficult knowing that the end is coming, yet when or how? Questions going through your mind - what will happen, will I know when it's time to let go? And then wonderful moments like yours - with a walk, or just looking into his (in my case, her eyes).
Be strong and God bless you & Max, and all of us.
Best wishes & hugs/licks,
Nadine, Apples & Neeli
Hey Max buddy, I think you are a champion, I admire you strength mate and I wish you the sweetest dreams lying there in the warm sunlight.
Kathleen is painting my sister Pede, you have to stick around to see it ok?
Lots of love your pal Major x
This was a wonderful post. Unfortunately I don't have the words to comfort you or or make things better. I don't think anything I say can take away what you are feeling and facing. But, I can say thank you for letting us all in on this journey of your family and Max. Whatever happens in the end, we are here for you all. I just wish I could hug you.
Max, you are truely an inspiration...we love you!
Allison (Puddles mum)
I have been there! Watching a dog who's a part of your heart struggle with a disease you can't fight is an emotional roller coaster. We understand and we wish the best for you and Max.
Maxmom - I wish I had the words to tell you how privileged we all DO feel that you are taking us on this journey with you - no matter how painful. But please also know that we all understand if you don't feel like posting or if you can't get around to the other blogs. This is an intensely personal and intimate time for you and your family and you must do what you feel is best for all of you. Max is a fighter and so are you and we are all holding you close in our hearts.
Amber (Mayzie's mom)
I know this journey all too well as it is so fresh in my mind. I could have written this post about my dear Java. You see, we went through all of these exact stages - when the first snow fell, he played like a puppy and then spent the next 24 hours lethargic on his bed. As the end was drawing nigh, he slept (really deep sleep) most of his time away and his body adjusted to his eating/eliminating schedule of a few bites/dibbles per day. The last week, the only nourishment he took was the cheese that I used to wrap his medicine. My heart goes out to you - and my prayers surround you.
xo
Lynn
We are so honored to have been able to share in your journey! All of us (especially the humans) have been inspired your writing and Max's existence. We can all learn from his hourney to just accept each moment for what it is, not worrying about the next hour or day or month. If there is a Zen of doggies, I think Max has certainly found it. Hugs & kisses to you all-
Michelle & Brutus
This is a tough journey and we really appreciate that you share it with us. All we can do is to cherish the moments now and do all we can so that there is no regrets.
Sam & June
We know how difficult this journey is, remember Max doesn't know he is sick and he lives in the moment.
Your love and care for Max and his love back to you will remain in your heart forever.
Each moment is precious, grab a hold and savor everyone.
The important thing is that Max know how much he is loved and when all is said and done, what more is their?
God Bless,
Sheila & Bob
Caryl--please don't worry about not getting to blogs. We really understand that right now isn't the time for that kind of stuff.
Thinking of you and Maxdog. He's defied death for an incredibly long time, such a fighter.
Love,
Heather and Ellie
Max Mom you are so very strong...I don't know how you do it..other than I have heard writing things down make them easier to accept. I do so hope this blog has done that for you.
I expect as a tuned to one another as you and Max are you will know when he has fought all he can fight.
God Bless you all and continue to enjoy small victories with Max.
Madi and Mom
So much can be learned form Max and this adventure you are all on.
Thank you for sharing.
We know how tough this journey is for you Maxmom. I hope you find some peace and happiness when you see Maxdog running free with Tammy in the sunset each day. Please know you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers and remember to live each day as if it was the last.
Rest easy dear friend Max! Maybe give those pancakes another shot, eh?
Wags and woofs,
Mack and Mia
One of the problems with his poor appetite is that he is now in a 'starvation mode'. It is a medical fact that the less we eat over a period of time the less often our brain signals our body to be hungry and to eat. This dynamic takes place in most prison camps where people are starved. At first you are hungry but as time goes by - you want food less and less - it becomes unimportant. If you could get him to just nibble as something several times during the day you may be able to re-start his hunger.
The large mass is probably pressing heavily on his heart and lungs causing labored breathing and fatigue with very little movement. Our heart and lungs, together, keep out brain sharp and continuously fuel our bodies. It's easier for him to sleep than it is to force himself to stay awake. Besides, when you feel rotten all you want to do is sleep.
He may not be in pain as we understand it to be; however, he feels just rotten. His body hasn't had any substantial nourishment, his heart can't pump correctly and his lungs can't expand to their fullest. When he lays on his side the mass impedes his breathing and heart rate that may be why he takes a long time to 'get going' during the day.
When we are in the dying process our brain function is the last thing to 'go'. Max remembers his walks and how much fun they used to be and being a dog, he lives in the moment and expects to have the fun of his youth. When he finds that it is not forthcoming, I imagine he becomes somewhat depressed.
Dying can take a long, long time. When I was with my Hospice patients I always marveled at their resolve to live and their internal fortitude. It's not pleasant to watch someone you love die bit by bit. I had to do that with my mother and I know all too well the stress and emotional pain.
Releasing someone you love from a body that doesn't want to work any longer is a personal decision and not one that I've ever found easy. I think the only time I consciously made that move was with a dog dying of congestive heart failure and another dying of old age. Each time was rough and horrible and painful. But, I can say that each time, as I look back, I know that I did the right thing to stop them from suffering.
Suffering doesn't necessarily mean pain - it can be emotional or mental. I know that with four cats and two dogs I'm going to have to make life and death decisions again. I don't like it and I hate it.
Don't worry about visiting other blogs and making the rounds. We all know and understand what you're going through and want all your energy to be focused on Max and making sure he's comfortable.
Sending you and Max (and the rest of the pack) big hugs!
For my part it has been a great privilage to have gt to know Max and through Max all his lovely family. You have shown us through words and pictures a journey that none of us wants to take but take it at some point we must. We fully understand that you will some of the time not want to visit other blogs and that is fine. You put your energies into Max and enjoy all you can for however long you can..
Now thank you so very much because today we got a lovely postcard all the way from you.. I was so pleased to recieve that. What a lovely surprise.. Thank you..
Love Carol and GJ xx
Thinking of you all the time ...
love and hugs
from Clive and Murray
It is saddening to know that the tumor is huge and possibly growing and the thought of Maxdog passing on.. as long as the spirit is still high, he is not ready to go..
We are currently facing quite a similar prob with our german shephard at home that is sick and old.. The vet said that he is too old and that his body is starting to fail hence all the ailments and pain.. but the fact that he is still so high spirited, we just cant bear the thought of putting him to sleep..
Many thinks that it is cruel to keep the dog in pain, but to us, who are we to take one live away when he/she is still fighting to live on... So we shall enjoy and cherish every second of the day left with our best companion..
lots of love,
Moiselle and Family
I will not claim to know how you feel but I do admire your strength and selflessness. All I know is that I feel so helpless as I don't know how to lessen that pain for you.
Thank you for allowing me to share this journey with you as you have taught me to take each day as it comes
Much love,
lilian
Oh we sure do have lumps in our throats after reading that post. All the wonderful memories. Mom wishes we could all leave human years, not silly doggy year.
To you Max, our tour guide.
Luv you,
Benny & Lily
I know from personal experience exactly what you're describing. It's so difficult to watch someone we love slowly fade away. And it's hard to know when to let go. I feel for you. I've been through it before and will go through it again.
I cried when Digby left us and I'll cry again when it's Max's time. The pain is all sooooooo worth it though and I would never willingly give up my beautiful fur friends.
Here's a (((HUG))) from me to you.
This is one of the most difficult journeys you will ever take, Caryl; watching as someone you love slowly slips away is a constant agonizing heartbreak...You have met this terrible challange with love and compassion; I believe Max's love for you is why he hangs on to this life still...It is sad that all love contains such sorrow, because love is always lost in one way or another; but loving is the only way to really live...If love is a measure of one's life, than Max's life has been immeasurable...It is a priviledge to know you and Max; bless you, Max and all of your family.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
We have been very bad about visiting blogs lately, but please know that we are always thinking of you and Max.
Luv,
Mochi & Mommy
It is a hard,hard road you are on. I walked it with Tess (lymphoma) and understand the torture of it. Don't you wish we were like our dogs and just lived in this moment? I am keeping you and all yours in my heart and in my prayers.
Don't worry about blogging, commenting,etc. Try to take care of yourself. I wish I could help SOMEHOW.
Hugs
Jamie
ps I thought I emailed you, but yes, James did get the card by way of me to him from you...
Thanks.
Thank you for sharing your thought in this difficult journey. You must know that God is using this in many way: to strengthen you, to illumine others, and to draw us all closer together. Lean on The Lord, He cares about the details of YOUR life as do we all.
Love you mucho Max darling.
C,
i have no doubt that Max saves every bit of energy for his evening walks because he knows how much pleasure it brings everyone, including himself.
He is a remarkable companion, and I can't thank you enough for sharing him with us, for as long as possible.
Hugs to you and all the pups,
Kit
Oh Maxmom....I can't imagine how you feel, as I haven't been in your position. My cat China passed very unexpectedly and quickly. Whether our beloved pets pass the way Max is or the way my China did, there are pros and cons to both. The only thing we can do is always remember to make the most of all the time we have because we never know when it will end. Give Max some scritches for me, and know that I am sending you and yours hugs and my boys are purring up a storm for all of you.
Meowm Rhonda
Hello Max!
We have you constantly in our prayers and we always have Maxdog Mom in our thoughts.
We wish we can make you eat more yummy treats but we know you try to. Enjoy each day with Maxdog Mom and we stay by you all the time.
We love you very much!
-Fudgie, Princess, Frappie, Mocha, Sugar, Wai-Pai, Wai-Max & the Piappies
Dear Caryl,
Everyday we think of you and Max, and are amazed at how strong you are for being able to share this stage of Max’s life on your blog. I wish there was something we could do to make things easier for you both during Max’s days of grace. Please give Max a big hug from us,
Lots of love,
Riley and Riley’s mum
PS Every dog is different , but Riley is wondering if you’ve asked Max if he has any interest in going for an extra short walk with Tammy in the mornings – just the walking “free” bit to be out in the sunshine and long grass. Perhaps seeing his and Tammy’s leads might cheer him up - nothing too strenuous, but something to take his mind off sleeping all day and whatever else he is thinking about. Also when Riley’s “in the zone” exploring the smells and sights of our neighbourhood is when tiny bits of food (like roast chicken or other treats) that I have hidden or handed to him taste the best. It is his picnic. Perhaps when Max is in his “puppy stage” of enjoying his walk a little bit of food may tempt his appetite.
Sadly I can understand now more than ever that feeling of just not knowing "how long". We found out Monday that our Tracker is very very sick. The vets have no idea what the cause is but his weight is plumeting and if it continues to do so we will have to say goodbye. :( MAXDOG~ You continue to be in our thoughts daily and we wish you nothing but health and happiness.
your know when our little angel chico died last year it was the first time i've ever had to deal with the death of my fur kids. i felt like someone had literally tore my heart our of my body.thats why my candle lights for sweet max and your family.as little as it may seem we hope that our little prayers can easee a little of the pain that you are going through.
with love
pibble mom
sandra
We pray for you every single day!
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Love ya lots
Maggie and Mitch and Sue
We understand...
We've all been 'there' at some point in our relationship with our furry ones...
I still hold to the belief THEY let us know when it is time...
When the tail and the eyes say please, we need to listen...
Please do NOT feel the need to visit the blogs BUT I do appreciate you updating 'here' again...
Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra and Phyll
I can't imagine how tough it must be to "stay strong" for Max every day, as your worry and concern at him eat at you...I think you are doing an amazing job.
And I thinkby knowing better how to live in the moment and enjoy things as they come, dogs actually make much more of their lives - even if the time they have is shorter than we can bear - but in a way, perhaps they have lived a thousand times more than us, despite their shorter time, because they know how to live life more deeply and embrace it more fully than we do.
We are always thinking of you and supporting you on this difficult journey, even if we don't always manage to come and comment on every post.
Hsin-Yi & Honey the Great Dane
Max is living in these little moments he remembers best. You are blessed to still have him around and that he is pain free. Don't apologize for anything, you are doing exactly what is right and more importantly, what Max needs from you right now. It is very hard to have this played out over days, weeks and months, but (personally) I wouldn't have it any other way. Max will let you know - - - keep enjoying these minutes with Max. The fact that he is a Golden, plucks the harp strings of my heart with memories of Devo. We think about you guys every day.
KT and Lady
You and Max are always in out thoughts and prayers.
Take care
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza
You and family are always in our thoughts and prayers.
May you find the peace and comfort that you seek.
Stay pawsitive!
Cheers,
Maxx and family
Know that you and Max are now on our paw prayer .....have faith,you will both endure chain....make every moment count...having been there too often, we know...
Gently Hugging you and Max,
Nancy
i'm sure it is quite hard on you, but know that you are giving max the best gift -- to allow him to live out his remaining days safe and secure and surrounded in love and happy memories.
*hugs*
the booker man and asa's mama
As always, we are thinking of you at this difficult time. I only speak from experience when I say that while the prolonged journey is excruciating it will ultimately lead to a place where your sadness is tempered with relief and peace.
Sending all our love from across the miles.
You are doing a wonderful job with max ~ and we appreciate just how hard it must be. Keep listening to your own "tappings" (instincts) and you will know the right path to take when the time comes.
Purrs for Maxdog, and ((((((hugs))))) for you.
Love from Milo, Alfie and our Mom
Max and Maxmom, you're always in our mind and our prayers. Max is doing well and fantastic and you are a wonderful mom. Stay strong and may God with you all the time.
Little did we know three weeks ago how much our experiences and yours would mesh so closely together. We think of you all the time and wish you the stamina and strength to maintain that sense of calm , inspiring hope .
Woof! Woof! You and your family are in out thoughts. Hang in there ... Lots of Golden Woofs, Sugar
Dear MaxMom,
I have no words to console you. I am at a loss for your pain. I understand it, twice I have watch while someone I love languished. It is truly the worst thing I have ever endured.
I wish you strength and love to hold you through the worst and find no need to wish you the joy of time in the good times. You have that in spades.
We have never met, still I feel very close to you. Thank you for sharing it all with us. With me.
Purrs, Prayers and love.
TK's mom
Max you are such a special boy. Thank you for taking us on your special journey. Mom sure has special memories of you
we luv you Max
Benny & Lily
I know some of the pain you are going through. I lost 4 kitties last year. I went from 150lbs. to 123lbs. because I was greiving so much. Just when I'd get over one loss I would loss another. It really was a very emotional year. So yes there are people out here that feel your pain.
I really hope Max is in no pain. That is what I pray for in my prayers.
God Bless You
Oh MaxDog and MaxMom, we so know what you are going through right now. It was two weeks ago today that I said goodbye to my main man and best buddy Prince. Yesterday I picked him up from my vet.....his ashes in a little box. Reality sunk in yet again.
It seems like forever since I saw my beautiful boy. So many things you share on your blog are what we went through. Prince never lost his appetite but he did get very, very tired and slept most of the day, everyday.
We admire you MaxMom for sharing your journey with all of us through your blog. I kept most of my emotions to myself and diidn't feel up to sharing what was happening publicly. I haven't posted anything since Prince passed, my next post will be one about him returning home. I have photos from his last days with us that I will share also.
MaxDog will let you know when he feels he can no longer go on and you will honor him by ending his suffering. Although he may be in no acute pain, I'm sure he will be feeling uncomfortable and miserable. It will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do for Max but I can promise you that afterwards you will feel a sense of relief and you will know you did right by Max.
Thank you so much for sharing with us, we will continue to send sibe vibes your way and please know we think of you all often.
Aleeya on behalf of Team Husky
Oh MaxDog and MaxMom, we so know what you are going through right now. It was two weeks ago today that I said goodbye to my main man and best buddy Prince. Yesterday I picked him up from my vet.....his ashes in a little box. Reality sunk in yet again.
It seems like forever since I saw my beautiful boy. So many things you share on your blog are what we went through. Prince never lost his appetite but he did get very, very tired and slept most of the day, everyday.
We admire you MaxMom for sharing your journey with all of us through your blog. I kept most of my emotions to myself and diidn't feel up to sharing what was happening publicly. I haven't posted anything since Prince passed, my next post will be one about him returning home. I have photos from his last days with us that I will share also.
MaxDog will let you know when he feels he can no longer go on and you will honor him by ending his suffering. Although he may be in no acute pain, I'm sure he will be feeling uncomfortable and miserable. It will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do for Max but I can promise you that afterwards you will feel a sense of relief and you will know you did right by Max.
Thank you so much for sharing with us, we will continue to send sibe vibes your way and please know we think of you all often.
Aleeya on behalf of Team Husky
Dear Max Mom,
Thank you and Max Dog so very much for the treasure post card that we received yesterday. We will keep it in our treasure chest. Mom and dad said to tell you that since they've been rescuing senior goldens for over 20 years now, they are all too familiar with the the agony that you are now enduring and the pain and sadness that you still face. No one canm ever be fully prepared or not put in to emotional distress when the time arrives whether by a quality of life decision or GOD's determination. The grief is heavy and heart breaking. The bond that you and Max have between you is that of mother and child, not farmer and livestock. You have been granted the true privilege of being GOD's custodian for one of his GReat creatures. You have done your best to fulfill that role most graciously. You have shared your learning with the world and thus bettered the lives of many fold other of GOD's creatures. Max's soul will eventually leave his body and his earthly life will end. But his soul will remain with you and reside in your heart; you will carry it with you for the remainder of your days. Max Dog will always be held close within Max Mom. Our thoughts and our prayers are with you and the entire family. We love you all.
- TBH&K
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